Default to love

Have you ever noticed that some people are loved by default? The same people who were 'loved/popular' in high school, I see now are still beloved by all. Is it in how they were raised? The confidence instilled by always being loved? I haven't really opened up on this blog- or rather, I've never really opened up about this to anyone. Maybe I've talked about it to Keith before and mentioned it in passing to others but never really put 'it' out there. Thanks to an old high school who is doing research on this stuff and the effect on adults, I wanted to write about it.


Hi, my name is Jennie, and I was a victim of bullying.


It is hard for me to say that because my entire life I was told that people were mean to me because they were jealous. Jealous of what? I never thought to ask that. I loved my childhood-my home childhood that is. I was tortured in school. In my neighborhood? I had so many friends...good friends that I still have to this day. At school? Never! Anyhow, it is really hard for me to actually come out and say that I was bullied because we're always taught to 'tough it up' or 'all kids tease' but the truth is kids can be MEAN! Ruthless. They don't understand the consequences of what they do- their feelings of hatred towards other are unfounded and ridiculous but the emotions they feel are real- so the result is bullying. I've never shared much of this but here it goes---some examples. (Oh and I'll preface this all with 'yes I'm over it, no I'm not dwelling on it, etc. It is more-so an observation and it got me thinking back to the things I've gone through---they made me who I am today)


When I was in 5th grade- people called me Chelsea the Dog. Reason? I dunno. Chelsea was for Chelsea Clinton because we both had red hair- but the dog was because at TEN years old the boys were saying I was uglier than a dog. Alas-Chelsea the Dog. This was also the year that I was a bike rider. One day four boys followed me home. One each stopped their bikes on all sides of me (front, sides, back) pushed me off my bike and hit and kicked me. It was unprovoked, I'd never done anything to them. They just plain didn't like me. Then they threw my bike in a ditch. I ran home and my mom called the cops. The parents of 3 of the boys made them apologize, and one father said that kids will be kids and he refused to make him apologize for something so stupid.


Middle school was worse mostly because it was 3 years of torture. I'm over it now and am even friends/acquaintances with some of the people from my class. It was a private school- so very small and everyone knew everyone. This was the year that people could discern the difference in the way I smelled. Smell you ask? Yes, smell. I came from a smoking household where 2 family members smoked indoors with no open windows or doors. There was also smoking in the car on the way to school. Also my last name was Winkle...Winkle rhymes with Stinkle- and so there ya go! The hatred that stemmed from this place was probably also due to the fact that I was/am annoying as all get out. I'm loud, obnoxious, etc. Always have been a bit quirky and it took a while for me to love myself because of it. But I do now. I appreciate my awkwardness and I embrace who I am. Back then? I was just plain annoying and immature. But anyhow, here are some examples of things that happened there.


There was that time that some guys in the class told me they wished I had died. That was nice. (I was late coming to school and when I arrived the entire class groaned and one of the guys leaned over to me and said 'we hoped that you were late because you got in a car accident and died, then we'd never have to see you again'). There was also the time that a kid brought fake cigarettes to school (because of me smelling like smoke) and the teacher got mad at him and took him outside for a 'talk'. The teacher then came back in the room with the kid and the fake cigarettes and they proceeded to 'fake' smoke them while the class laughed at taunted at me. I ran out and didn't come back for the rest of the day. There was also the time I missed a shot in basketball and one of the guys got me on the ground screaming at the top of his lungs in my ear that I was a worthless idiot and so stupid-until the coach told him to stop.


High school wasn't bad at all (compared to those things) I think by that age we were all a bit more mature and there were a lot more people to be friends with. People still teased me and it actually took a good 2-3 years to not take things so seriously. People told me all the time 'don't take things so seriously'. People still tell me that. I guess when you take a look back there are reasons I did/do take things so personally.


There is this whole movement now to stop bullying and what not. Open your eyes people-children (CHILDREN) are killing themselves due to this stuff! I never thought about killing myself but other kids might. We all have been teased I would think but there is a difference between teasing and feeling teased or made fun of, and real feelings of animosity. I dreaded going to school because of the comments I'd receive. I never felt happy going to school, in fact I felt scared. I was physically threatened a couple of times too but those didn't scare me as much as the pure hate I felt. Now that I'm a grown up and have moved past that part of my life- I have to wonder- does it shape who I am today? Do I lack confidence in my friendships with others because of these things? Does your social status in school reflect your success in life? Some may say 'rise-up, you create your own destiny' but perhaps it is too hard to escape who we were always TOLD that we were, instead of being able to become who were were supposed to be.


So- as anonymous as you'd like to be-- please comment here. I'm very interested. Were you popular? Were you not? Where are you now? Are you successful? Were you bullied? Were you a bully? Do you have confidence in your friendships? Relationships? What will you teach your children? If you found out your child told another child that they wished they would die, what would you do? What would you do about the teacher who bullied your child in front of the entire class? I wish I had let my mom do more but I begged her not to do anything because it was already hard enough there. She wrote a scathing letter and nothing like that ever happened again. What do you think about the stop bullying movement? Do you think it is too focused on physical altercations, homosexuality, and internet abuse? Should stronger actions be taken? I'm all for 'kids being kids' but when it gets to the point of depression and self-inflicted harm...something should be done. My escape was coming home and knowing I had my friends that loved me. So a special thank you to my brother, Beth, Ronnie, John, Chris, Cara, Katelyn, and Grace. Some kids don't have that escape.


Should I leave with Ellen's quote? Be kind to one another and yourselves? Or my own. How about I make my own movement? How about a movement called 'Default to Love'. Ya know, unless it already exists and in that case...let's all join. So will you join my movement to Default to Love?


*****disclaimer***** I am in NO way saying that just because someone was popular or well-liked doesn't mean they couldn't have or didn't suffer from bullying or abuse. Bullying/abuse has many faces and happens a lot more than people think. In fact, now, in people who are successful- don't they have 'haters'? Isn't that a form of bullying too? Others who are jealous so they put successful people down? Oi- I'm about to open another can of worms for myself but this post is already long enough! I could write about this forever. One could just simply say 'well, don't let it bother you' or 'you shouldn't care what other people think' but really people? Isn't that a lot easier said than done? When you figure out how to NEVER care at ALL what people think of you...let me know your secret.

It has to be asked...

This has been bugging me for a while so I'll just come out and ask it...


Since when has society deemed that a 'good' baby is a 'quiet' baby? Why do people tell me that Bryce is so 'good' because he doesn't go bonkers in a restaurant? Or the other day when Keith and I had a moderately long/completely boring appointment in a small cramped office the person we were meeting with commented on how 'good' he is, and then when he started fussing (after he was bored with his toys and all available snacks and run out) he was 'being good up until now' . I mean come on...what if I were to turn the table and say 'oh wow your baby is so quiet...he/she must be lacking in personality'. Are people trying to imply that a toddler who cannot fully express themselves yet, who is crying to be let out of their stroller (because one must assume that they just had some type of constrictive car ride), or is out of snacks, or has been playing with the same toy for the last hour, etc... is a bad one? If they are asserting their wants and needs in the only way they know how by banging, crying, yelling, hitting, etc... how does that make them 'bad'?


The only time I 'shush' my child is when he's upset and I try to calm him by 'shhhhhhh....shhhhhhh'.... if he is screaming from boredom etc....you won't find me shushing him. Expecting a child to sit in let's say a Doctor's office with very minimal things to do and sit there and be quiet for any given amount of time...yeah I don't think so. I appreciate that people think he's 'good' and I'll never correct them...but I'm here to tell you a quiet toddler or a loud one, they are both good. Both are blessings. There are no bad children.....there are children that misbehave but there are no bad children. What a negative thing to say.


In other news, we cheated on Paleo today but will be 100% again tomorrow. A good friend of ours is in town and it's her birthday so we went out to eat....and had dessert (oh for shame...does that make us bad???) Other than that it is going well :)

High Time

To post an update! Paleo is going well for us. Keith has lost a little bit of weight but that is not his goal so we are going to start incorporating more carbs in to his diet. I have gone from 193 down to 188 in 2 weeks. That is pretty good considering I haven't been able to lose weight for years unless I don't eat. I am eating a TON and it's all delicious food so I am winning I guess!


The 2 week detox period wasn't that bad but I really don't feel exponentially different than before. I've read a lot of people have this day where they wake up and feel different and neither Keith nor I have had that. Now, a lot of those people are detoxing off sodas and conventional foods too. We've been eating mostly organic (at least produce) for a while now and I used to be HIGHLY addicted to Coke Zero and Pepsi Max- I stopped drinking those before I got pregnant and it really was a rough habit to break. I still miss the cold fizz tickling my throat...and oh my geez I want one!!! That stuff is dangerous (in component AND addiction) don't do it! I really was hoping for this wake up moment when the world seems a little brighter and I feel amazing...but it either hasn't kicked in, or our diets weren't as messed up as some other people switching to Paleo. Or it's all a load of crock and nobody should eat Paleo....Nah. You can't go wrong with meats, veggies, and fruits! Now, Keith and I both feel 'cleaner' if that makes sense. We both feel healthier and I have noticed an increase in my energy but those all can be explained away by 'in our heads we know we're eating healthy so we act healthy' combined with 'I have to have energy because our toddler is running rampant in the city so hide yo' kids hide yo wife'. Being the late walker that Bryce was (15 months) he is sure making up for it now. He's starting to not want to be carried anymore when we are outside and what not. This creates a problem when I need to get to the car quickly or have a load of groceries in my other hand...etc. I can't just let him go because he does NOT listen when I say to come back. The whole 'oh ok then mommy is going bye bye' thing worked for like a week...now he thinks it's funny and is like 'ok mom see ya later let me go run in to this lake/street/pool/ditch...' and I don't want to use one of those leash things either but they sure do look convenient!! Moms? Any advice?


The most difficult part of sticking to Paleo is the prep/cook factor. We never really cooked much since we've been together. We'd do cereal for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, and then sometimes cook dinner (which usually looked an awful lot like tijuana flats or chipotle)...so this is taking some getting used to. Bryce also wants to 'help' with everything and we've tried the ol' here's a pot and pan and spoon to 'help' and he's like 'pft mom...slamming the cabinets is MUCH cooler'....so yes, my dinner has gotten cooked at 10PM and eaten at 12:15AM after Bryce is long asleep. I'm working on it though :) I have faith I can do better! So here are some pictures for you all. Some food and a couple others. Please let me know how you're doing :)


We've got pictures of paleo banana bread, pumpkin pancakes, n'oatmeal, Bryce eating the n'oatmeal, Bryce eating chocolate mousse (made out of avocados, maple syrup, cocoa powder etc), chinese 5-spice lettuce cups, macadamia crusted tilapia with butternut squash, cilantro cauli-rice and pesto scrambled eggs, homemade pesto, etc. Enjoy!

First day down, a lifetime to go!

Well the first day of Paleo is under our belts and so far I am doing alright. The lack of sugars and grains has given me a headache today but I can deal with it...just hope it isn't a 2 week headache! When you first start Paleo there can be a 3day-3week withdrawal period, with most people experiencing symptoms for about 2 weeks. From what I understand it is your body resetting itself to use energy from meats (protein), eggs, and veggies, as opposed to running off sugar and carbs. Paleo is definitely not low calorie or low fat, in fact, fat is recommended at every meal. It can be in the form of avocados, olive oil, coconut oil, etc. I don't *think* it is considered low carb because you're allowed sweet potatoes and all the veggies you want. Butternut squash, etc. These things are in moderation and usually once a day. I don't know if my headache is from lack of the sugars and carbs or if I just have a headache.


And before I continue- HOLY SHOPPING LIST BATMAN!!! The premise of Paleo is to eat like our ancestors before the agricultural age was introduced about 10,000 years ago. Ok- so I can't go hunt a mammoth or saber toothed tiger... but I can buy the best meat I can possibly afford (grass-finished, pasture raised, etc). These things are EXPENSIVE. I used the shopping list that was provided for me by my Paleo book and of course all organic, grass-fed, pastured, etc is recommended. Our grocery bill for ONE WEEK of food was $250.00!!! That's $1,000 a MONTH on groceries. Yeah...not gonna happen. I did our budget this month and because of that expense...well....it's not pretty. I've been barking up other avenues to see what I can do to cheapen the bill. I'm thinking whole chickens are a must because the entire chicken (including carcass) can be used. It makes meals for days. We already stocked up on grass-fed beef when it was on sale so we're good on that front for a few weeks- but after that I found a close farm that sells their grass-fed beef for $6.49/lb. That's pretty good for ground beef that is grass-finished. I've got eggs covered- farm fresh $3.00/dz, as for veggies I think I'm going to come off the organic trolley and only buy the ones on the dirty dozen and stick to conventional on the clean fifteen. (just a warning to all those that think organic is just a ploy I read about a study (I'll have to find it later) that an experiment was done and the fruits and veggies on the dirty dozen still contained dozens of pesticides AFTER washing....with a pressure washer used for HOMES! I don't know anyone who washes their produce with a pressure washer so just be careful!


I don't say these things to be uppity or judge anyone and I hope I don't give off that impression. I say it because I care about others and I want them to be healthy!!!


Anyhow, besides the mild headache I feel fine. I AM craving sugar but that is Keith's fault! He takes the blame because I made a chocolate cake from scratch and he was supposed to bring me a piece back from work (he had a potluck) but the frosting had cream in it and he left it out all day. On a normal day I'd have probably still eaten it but the stomach bug I had is still too fresh in my mind and I wasn't willing to chance it!


Our menu yesterday was swirly crustless quiche (eggs, zucchini, carrots, salt, etc baked in the oven), bacon, and raw sauerkraut (for probiotics), lunch was a green salad with balsalmic vinagrette and mustard glazed chicken thighs (uhm...yum!), and dinner was a baked citrus chicken with carrots, onions, garlic, and a side of beet roots with fennel. The latter was disgusting if I do say so myself. I've never had beets (that I can remember) and they taste like I want to BEET them with a sugar cane. They seriously taste like dirt. And fennel tastes like licorice. So we had a side of dirt covered licorice. I won't be making that again. The chicken was great! Anyhow- I'll try to remember to take pictures of the food adventures coming up. Thanks for keeping in touch! Beets are good for you...good for you...good for you.

Tomorrow is the day!

Tomorrow is our official start to Paleo (although I said that at the end of August too and it never happened). There was a valid stomach bug excuse for that though. My main worry with Paleo is the time it takes to do everything. I'm not used to making 3 solid meals a day. Maybe I should be used to it but there you have it. I'm also concerned because of Keith's schedule. He works a mid-shift (noonish-9pm) so he's here for breakfast but not really lunch and dinner. Do I make lunch ahead and pack his and then eat the rest at a normal lunch time for me? Do I shift our schedules so that we are eating breakfast earlier and then eat lunch at 11 before Keith goes to work? If I do that then we will have a LONG break between lunch and dinner...do I just snack? We usually get up around 8-8:30... maybe I should get up, take my medicine (thyroid and blood pressure--yay for 31 years old and pcos/overweight!) I have to wait an hour after taking those before I can eat...so maybe I should get up, take the meds, then cook us breakfast to EAT around 8-8:30, then do lunch at noon (Keith takes his to work)...the dilemma there is do I make Keith's dinner ahead and just reheat for my dinner??? Or do I have him snack on things until he gets home and HE reheats the dinner and eats late? SIGH...I just don't know. He won't be eating until 9pm... and what are good paleo snacks?! UGH


So yeah...I'm excited and nervous to say the least. I really want this to work but I'm very confused on how to do it.


Help!

Short but sweet

Nothing major to report on our end. We are finally getting over our colds but it's still lingering. Keith is starting an 11 day vacation on Friday and the days are moving slowly. We don't have many plans although we were supposed to stay at Disney for a few nights--I think that might be a bust due to good 'ol finances. It's ok though. It will be good to just have him around. He's been working so hard and hasn't really had 2 consecutive days off in a few weeks. His last vacation was in August... of 2012!!!


Friday we are officially starting to live the paleo lifestyle. I'm really excited because some studies have suggested that it can benefit women with PCOS. Even if it doesn't help me lose weight or regulate my cycle, eating fresh fruits, veggies, and meat can't be that bad. I have dozens upon dozens of recipes to try out so we should be able to change things up a bit. The plan is to continue to post recipes and hopefully my progress on paleo.


Last but not least, my facebook hiatus is going really well. I think I mentioned in the last post that I got on Keith's Friday night but since then I haven't even wanted to get on to be honest. I really don't have the desire anymore. I hope it stays that way. They say it takes 21 days to form a habit...I wonder if it takes 21 days to break one...

I'm not very good at..

I'm not very good at a lot of things. Just sitting here thinking about it the last few days...I don't have any one exceptional talent. I could take the cop-out route and say I'm talented at being a mother and wife, but to be honest, I'm not very good at those things either. Don't get me wrong. I don't think I am necessarily bad at those things, and I've actually had random people stop me and say that I'm a great mom (I guess judging by my interactions with Bryce)...but I really don't envision that there are people in my life and in my surroundings that are saying 'oh wow, Jennie is this amazing example of a wife and mother'...


My house is a mess. Check! Dinner is not cooked from scratch every night. Check. My bath tub has a ring in it. Check. Bills go unpaid or forgotten until those phone calls. Check. The car is low on gas. Check. There is dried goo on the wall from where my son threw food and I keep forgetting to wipe it up because every time I look at it and think 'oh I need to clean that' you hear me saying 'Bryce don't lick the window!'...and then that spot stays there. Check. Oh the list goes on and on. I guess I had this idea that entering motherhood would help me be more organized (insert general guffawing and belly laughs). I thought that having a baby would HELP the situation...that I would find a need to clean more and cook more...It didn't happen.


So in other news I had an endometrial biopsy about a week ago. I got permission from a lactation consultant to take a xanax (halleluiah) and also took ibuprofen beforehand to help with the cramping. The worst part was the speculum to be honest...it always is for me. Anyhow, the procedure caused a sharp cramp and it was over. No big deal. Results took a week and it was a long tiring week. I was pretty scared because I'd been having some symptoms of uterine cancer (irregular bleeding mostly)...but the Doctor was pretty sure it's just related to hormones...anyhow so the biopsy came back free and clear so no cancer here! I'm always so afraid of something being terribly wrong with me but I was pretty calm that whole week of waiting if I do say so myself. There were a couple days where I would envision the 'abnormal' results on the patient portal...and a few days where I thought 'Jennie you're being silly, you're fine'. Anyhow, I have another appointment in a week to try and get the PCOS under control... then who knows???? ;-) ;-) ;-)


Today marks a little over 24 hours since I've deactivated facebook. Seeing as how I can't post this link on my page any longer, I doubt this will reach any of you...but I hope that in the 24 hours I have been gone that facebook hasn't crumbled with my absence. I have the 30 day mark marked on the calendar. So far so good. Haven't peeked (except once when I made Keith check a farmers market facebook information page for the farmers market this morning, but I only looked at the business page not friends pages) however, I want to be accountable for it...so yes, I've seen facebook in the last 24 hours...but no posts etc. It feels refreshing to be off of there. I realized that I was caring more about what was going on in everyone's lives but my own. My child would want to play with me and I'd put it down for a moment but then pick it right back up. That's not how I want to live my life. I do care about you all...but I can't care about you more than I care about myself! There were mornings when we wouldn't make it out of the house in time because I was scrolling on my phone. No more :-) This morning we had time to wake up, chat, nurse the baby, get dressed, go to a farmer's market, run by target, and come home to cook a yummy breakfast....I'll take that over facebook any day :) I DO miss seeing all your cute babies and updates though. See ya soon!

I was the weird kid...

No I didn't eat paste (that was reserved for someone else) but I was definitely a weird kid. I remember a birthday party I went to in elementary school and the girl's house was SO huge...I asked her mother if I could go play on the stairs. Know why? Because I loved stairs. I still love stairs. Then the other girls (who were ironing those little melty bead things) told me I was weird, didn't want to play with me...and thus I was alone. I pretty much didn't care because she had a freakin treehouse and that thing was AWESOME. So until my mom picked me up I stayed in the treehouse, not melting plastic, thinking about the cool stairs.


I just deleted a long blog because it turned in to something I didn't want it to... a whining blubbering woe is me post...but I am flipping it around...


I don't want to be angry anymore. Nobody is worth that time spent on my mind. So I am here. Right now. And I want you to know I FORGIVE you. With my whole heart. If you (yes you) have wronged me in any sort of way...I release you from any guilt you may be harboring. If you wronged me when I was 5. I forgive you. If you wronged me yesterday. I forgive you. I FORGIVE YOU. This feels so freeing and I feel lighter. I FORGIVE YOU AND YOU AND YOU. I no longer will cringe when I hear anyone's name. It isn't worth it. Instead of my energy spent cursing your name, I will rejoice that I hear about it. If you win a million dollars I will NOT be jealous, I will be so happy that you won it and hope that you do all good with it.


I repeat, I do not want to be angry anymore. I don't want to be sad. I don't want to lament over fading friendships or old fights. I just want to continue to be me...but the happier version of myself. I will just continue loving my family and hope that some good friends stay, or come along the way. I can't continue to waste energy on those who will not waste one second for me.


You are forgiven :)

If I can breastfeed YOU can breastfeed

It makes me really sad when I hear women say 'I didn't produce enough' or 'the baby was still hungry' or 'my milk never came in' OR 'the baby wasn't gaining weight so I needed to supplement'. Are there babies out there who legitimately have failure to thrive? Of course. Are there women out there that legitimately do not make enough? Of course. I am here to tell you though, the odds were rallying against me and I pulled through. I feel like I'm becoming such and advocate for breastfeeding that perhaps (eventually) I could become a Lactation Consultant or at least a La Leche League Leader here in Orlando. I feel like my story can inspire some moms who otherwise wouldn't have stayed with it!


Without getting in to the gross details of my struggles with breastfeeding, we will just say I was a bloody, raw, painful mess. I had this 9lbs6oz baby boy and I dreaded breastfeeding him because he had such a powerful latch (aka painful) but I knew that breastfeeding was something I wanted to do and I had some obstacles to overcome. A) I had an intraductal papilloma (benign tumor of the milk ducts) just a few months prior. They *warning gross* slice half of the aerola and lift up the flap of the incision (while cutting any ducts below the incision). When she removed it she said I probably would not be able to breastfeed on that side...so I had that against me. I also have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (read about it HERE). This syndrome can cause hormonal imbalances in women (hence fertility to conceive Bryce) and cause difficulty in breastfeeding. I believe the statistic is 1/3 of women under-produce, a 1/3 overproduce, and a 1/3 do just fine. The 3rd and final thing I have is Hypothyroidism...however, this is well controlled with medication so I wasn't too concerned about this affecting me. Once my milk came in (it took 5 days for me because of the csection) then I just persevered. We bought a baby scale for my peace of mind...and honestly, as obsessive as I got about his weight, it really helped me to realize that my body was doing something NORMAL for a change...it had been so out of whack with PCOS and what not that I was amazed that my body was FEEDING my son. He is 16 months now and still nursing 5-6 times a day. Some say it's too much...I say it's just enough...he is a very selective eater and would not be getting the proper nutrition otherwise.


My left side produces MUCH less than the right side because of the surgery and when I pump...wow..I feel like a failure. You all have seen how chunky Bryce is/was so I know I'm producing enough but when I pump I get LESS than an oz from both sides total. The left side pumping doesn't even cover the bottom of the bottle! (also, word to the wise, pumping is NOT NOT NOT a good indicator of how much you're producing). I have heard that one too (Oh I tried pumping and nothing came out) and it really gets to me because women are told every day by their Doctors or friends or family that if the baby is crying after nursing they are still hungry and they believe them! Your baby is crying because it is a baby. Bryce cried every moment he was awake for almost 5 weeks. He hardly slept..etc. If it was because he was hungry then he must have been starving.


Trust your body to do what it was meant to do. Trust yourself, your instincts, and ME! Feel free to contact me any time with questions regarding breastfeeding! Also remember, you have the law on your side to pump at work. Working is a big reason that supply goes down because if you're not pumping while baby is eating at home, your body will produce less...it is producing less because it is being used less (supply and demand). If you are a healthy woman that has no known issues...Do NOT let anyone tell you you're not producing enough or other excuses. The average baby only takes in 2-3 oz of breastmilk per nursing session...which is plenty for them...which is also why they nurse more frequently than a formula fed baby...formula fills them up and breastmilk begins digesting almost immediately. In addition, don't adhere to the 'standards' every baby's needs are different. Sometimes I wouldn't get my shirt back on and Bryce wanted to nurse again. Sometimes they go every hour (which gives you about a 15 min break for a newborn) and sometimes they go 3 hours...listen to your baby and look for cues. OK I'm done...for now!

Dreaded Dentist Debacle

Do you like my alliteration title? It's all I can do to keep my sanity in this time.


Ok so I went to the dentist yesterday for the first time in like 15 years. Yes, 15. I went probably 5 years ago and had them tell me what I needed done through xrays and what have you, but I haven't actually had work done in 15 years. I knew I needed to go because about 3 years ago one of my molars broke. It hasn't really caused me much pain at all...the occasional twinge here and there and I would think 'oh this is it, dentist Monday' but then the pain would go away so I'd forget about it. Well....I wouldn't forget but I had rainbows coming out of my mouth telling me 'it must have healed itself, go go gadget dentist!'. Yeah. It didn't heal itself. So anyhow, (and I want to apologize profusely to the person this is referring to because it is very selfish of me to think this way when you've gone through this) but right near the tooth that is broken, I developed a 'lesion' recently (or a long time ago? I never really paid attention). It's not bothersome, etc...but recently a friend of mine with no history of smoking, drinking, or drugs, developed oral cancer. Immediately I booked an appt to a dentist because this weird lesion HAD to be cancer too right? (again I am so sorry to who this refers to...I am NOT taking the situation lightly by ANY means, in fact, it is the opposite...I'm taking it too seriously for myself). So I go in to the dentist and I explain to them (for about an hour) that I do not have (repeat do not have) a dental phobia, I have severe health anxiety. Like I said, I explained it to them for about an hour before they were actually able to get me in to the chair just to LOOK at me (because I don't have a dental phobia right?). She assured me that it just looked like an irritation from the decay (yuck) of my broken molar. I still insisted that it looked like a cancer lesion so they got out their special vero-whatever scope and screened me for oral cancer. So $50 later they said I don't have it. That the lesion is irritation from the tooth. Like they said.


Sigh. So for not having been to the dentist in so long, I have periodontal disease :( and 4 cavities. The whole periodontal thing SUCKS because it is progressive but I believe it can be halted with proper dental hygiene. Folks, brushing 2x a day is not enough...you have to be diligent with your flossing too. I haven't been hence disease. They said I'm very early and very mild but that I will lose some of my gum line but that it won't be noticeable and that in fact my mouth will look/feel healthier once they deep clean my teeth.


As for the broken molar, there isn't too much they can do right now. I have to be referred to a root canal specialist to see if the tooth can be saved. If it can be he will tell me that putting money in to the tooth would be worth it. If it can't be saved, they will extract it (along with my wisdom teeth) and then we will talk about a replacement tooth. I don't really MIND losing a back tooth per say....it could have been a lot worse, however, the blame is not on me for this one. I guess when I was younger I had bad decay in that back tooth and the dentist should have done a root canal but he actually filled the entire tooth with amalagram (sp?) filling. Those types of fillings are notorious for expanding and cracking teeth...so that is why it broke. It should have never been filled in the first place. My fault comes in that when it broke, I should have just gone in and gotten it fixed...but I didn't and here I am.


Now, I don't have a dental phobia...and I have my appt tomorrow to deep clean the right side (broken tooth is on the left) and fill 3 fillings on that side. I called and tried to cancel the appt. NOT because of a dental phobia but because of this or that and this or that. The lady who is going to clean my teeth convinced me to come in just to 'sit' in the chair and see how I do. She promised she wouldn't touch me or do anything if I didn't want her to. I told her she's silly...but not to touch me. Good thing I'm not afraid of the dentist because they must act like lunatics going in!


Wish me luck tomorrow! Hope I don't have too much pain! *side note* Happy Birthday Mom! Love you!

My birth story- FINALLY (15 months later)

I never posted my birth story- so here it is in black and white (or whatever color my layout is)


I had what you would call a tumultuous pregnancy. My blood pressure was high in the beginning, normal in the middle, and started to rise at about 37 weeks pregnant. I had a lot of pain that I wasn't sure was normal or not, so I went to triage a LOT. I was constantly worried I was going to do something wrong that would cost me my son's life and so while I loved being pregnant, I didn't love how worried I was.


Bryce was conceived via the drug clomid. We were told it would take us a LONG time to get pregnant and we were blessed to end up with him on the first try. Fast forward to when I was 9 1/2 weeks pregnant and we thought we lost him. I woke up covered in bright red blood. We raced to Winnie Palmer and there was our little miracle with a heartbeat. Little personality already. He was bouncing around like the cute little alien he was. He's still bouncing as a healthy 15 month old toddler.


We were scheduled to be induced on a Wednesday night around 11PM (are they TRYING to get you super tired?)...on Wednesday I would have been 40 weeks and 2 days pregnant. I wanted SO badly to go in to labor naturally and have him in the hospital but NATURAL. No pitocin, no induction, no epidural, no drugs. Nada. So come that Monday we had gone in for our every 3 days NST (non-stress-test to make sure Bryce was doing ok with my high blood pressure) and that day my blood pressure (bp) read 130/86. Great blood pressure for me! So fast forward to that day around lunch time, I receive a personal call from my Doctor telling me that I was the topic of their luncheon that day and that they decided it would be best if I came in to be induced that afternoon.


I'm sorry what? Keith and I were prepared but this 'out of the blue' thing came as a shock. I was pretty against it, as I was doing all I could to go in to labor naturally, but off we went.


When we arrived, we were super excited and super nervous. We were escorted up to our room and told someone would be with us soon. We had never done this before so we didn't know if I was supposed to get undressed or what. At that moment a tech rolled in a bp cart. I told her that my arms are big so I need the big cuff and also asked if I could have a moment to calm down, as I have white coat syndrome AND I was very on edge/excited. I was told that she didn't have a big cuff and that she had a job to do so she needed to just take my bp. Hmmm. Ok. So when she took it it was 180/110...which is pretty high. I asked her if she could take it again in a little while and she did but it was still very high. She took it a third time but this time (I didn't know this) but my Doctor was in the room watching the machine. She knew if I saw her I'd be nervous. My blood pressure had come down but was about 160/100. She told me that it was still too high and that they needed to start me on an IV of Magnesium Sulfate. I was horrified. I hadn't been in the hospital an hour even and I was already starting on medications. I had also heard horror stories about M-S and didn't want to have it. I was told that it would help lower my blood pressure and that I needed it. Before they started me on M-S they took my blood pressure again and after I had rested it was down to 130/86 again but they still started the IV. They honored my request to not have pitocin and opt for cervidal (sp?) instead. It is some type of weird paper strip thing that goes inside the hoohaa and rests on the cervix...it is supposed to help induce labor. Most results are not seen for 12 hours. Now, remember, Keith and I had eaten lunch around 12noon and it was now about 7 or 8 at night. We had been in the hospital since 4:30 and not a darn thing had gotten done. I hadn't even started the cervidal yet. So once they started the M-S I started to feel the effects. It was AWFUL. It makes you feel like you have an automatic 3rd degree sunburn. You're on FIRE. It also caused me a HUGE headache. I told the nurse that I thought maybe eating would help and she informed me I was not allowed to eat anything in case I had to have an emergency c-section for some reason. Now, I'm 40 weeks pregnant and I wasn't allowed to eat? I hadn't eaten in HOURS. So fast forward to 10pm and the nurse is fiddling with something on me and my Dr calls to tell her she is settling in for the night and was checking on me. I asked her if I could speak with my Dr please...so I get on the phone with her and ask her if I could please have something to eat. By this time it had been 10 hours. She said 'Jennie I never told anyone you couldn't eat....you can eat'.......


Excuse me???


Ahem. So I call down to the cafeteria and they are closed. The best they can offer me is a bowl of oatmeal. Great. So I ate that and tried to sleep. Keith was massaging my head as hard as he could but it wasn't touching my headache. It was hard to sleep anyhow because they had the fetal doppler on my stomach, an IV in the side of my wrist on the left arm and a bp cuff on the right arm taking my bp every 10 minutes. FINALLY around 4:30am I dozed off and around 4:45 the nurse comes in and wakes us up and says 'you're going to have to find a different position because the baby isn't tolerating that well'.... So much for sleeping. She finally agreed to take my bp cuff off for the night to help me sleep. It didn't help me sleep. SO we got 15 minutes of sleep. Around 7AM the nurse comes in with the Doctor on the phone and checks my cervix. I had come in at 1cm dilated and 60% effaced. 10 hours later after the cervidil I was 1cm and 60% effaced. SIGH The Doctor gave me a choice. She said that with the way my body was responding, and not wanting pitocin, that at this rate I would be in labor for 3-4 days...OR I could have a csection that afternoon. I told her I couldn't do the M-S for another night (I couldn't just lay there for another night like that) so I opted for the csection. I had one of 2 choices. Either I could eat now and then have the csection around 5pm OR not eat and have the csection around 12:30pm and eat after. Recovery should take about an hour on average... We chose to not eat and then have him that afternoon!


The rest of that day was a blur. We waited for a little while and then it was time to prep for the surgery. We were so excited...but also delirious and I don't remember much. The epidural was a breeze although it exacerbated my restless leg syndrome....UGH. The csection part was a BREEZE. Honestly. I didn't feel pressure or tugging or any discomfort. The epidural made my BP drop several times and made me feel sick but it was all worth it to see his precious face!


Bryce came roaring in to this world on March 20th, 2012 at 1:10PM. Going against the norm, they let me hold him while they were sewing me up. I don't know if they followed my birth plan of letting the cord blood pulse in to Bryce (but I doubt it) but at that moment it didn't matter. He was with us and he was amazing. Everyone was so kind and congratulated us and all the previous night was forgotten. A little while later they needed to prep the recovery room for me (you know, the one that I'll be in for 1 hour) and took the baby and Keith went with him. It wasn't too long (maybe 10 min later) that I was wheeled in to the recovery room and saw a BOTTLE OF FORMULA stuck in my 30 minute old baby!!!!! I gave the death stare and apparently Keith had been bullied in to it. They nurse gave him a choice. Either they give him formula right now because his blood sugar was low, or they would wheel him up to the NICU and have him on an IV for 3 hours. His blood sugar was .2 off what it should be. We were told that he could have brain damage if he didn't have that formula. I told her that I'd like to breastfeed him immediately. So right then and there I took him and we shared our first breastfeeding moment. Unfortunately I was so doped up that I don't remember a lot of it. I'm angry that it was taken away from me....but the past is the past. So an hour or two passes and I sent Keith to find out why I'm not in my regular room...I hadn't eaten since 10pm the night before (oatmeal) and it was like 3 in the afternoon. They informed him that it was because my blood pressure hadn't fallen within the parameters that the Dr. had set (160/100). After I found that out I was nervous every time that machine started up! Finally around 5 or 6 at night, one of my readings was 155/98. I was saved!!!! Then they informed me that my bp needed to stay under the 160/100 for one hour straight. It took my blood pressure every 10 minutes...they also said that any time my bp goes above that that the hour starts over. THEN we were told that the baby was stressing us out and that I shouldn't hold him any more. My blood pressure was the lowest while doing skin to skin and feeding my baby. Like hell I'm not going to hold my baby.


7:00PM
8:00PM
9:00PM
10:00PM


11:00PM. 11:00PM is when I'm wheeled in to a regular room. 11:00PM. Guess what? Cafeteria closed again! Oatmeal AGAIN for me! yayyyyyy. Do you know what else? We found out that the recovery room is charged by the minute. THE MINUTE. Our bill JUST for the RECOVERY room....for 9 HOURS was ..... $22,000 folks. Yes you read that right. $22,000!!!! THANK GOD FOR INSURANCE.


The next few days are still a blur. I was up and walking 12 hours later which was fine with me. I wanted to be up and out of that place. Breastfeeding was going 'ok' but I was in severe pain. Bryce was also losing weight but we were never pressured in to giving him formula again. We WERE being pressured to get him circumcised but ultimately didn't and I am SO happy with that decision. So anyhow, over the next few days we had no sleep. Bryce was a crier...they wouldn't even keep him in the nursery for an hour or two because he was SOOO loud he woke up the other babies. It made Keith and I laugh. It made us tired too...so we were tired but laughing. The lactation consultant told me my milk was coming in, which was a relief because Bryce had lost a pound by the 5th day. Anyhow, I was still under a lot of stress because they weren't letting me go because of my blood pressure. Slowly I sank in to the baby blues. I had it BAD. I wanted to be home with my baby..but I also wanted to be safe under the Doctor's care. Most of the nurses were great and they were rooting for my bp to come down. There was one afternoon that stuck out in my mind though and it was pretty bad. Keith had left to let the dog out and we had no visitors. Bryce had just nursed and had fallen asleep. I was alone and exhausted! I snuggled in to take a nap (the first one I had in over 3 days) and just as I started to fall asleep a nurse came in and told me I needed to get up and sit in the chair for an hour. I asked her if I could do it after my husband got back and after the baby woke up because I hadn't slept in 3 days and that I was supposed to sleep when the baby slept. She said (and I quote) 'A hospital is not a place for rest, it's a place for healing, so no, you can sleep when you get home, you need to get in the chair'. She didn't come back for over 2 hours. I sat there sobbing.


On the opposite hand I had one particularly helpful nurse that would sit there and breathe with me before she'd take my bp. It really helped.


We then asked why the magnesium sulfate hadn't lowered my blood pressure. We were then informed that M-S doesn't lower the blood pressure at all....it actually is used to prevent strokes in case your bp gets too high. I feel like that would have been nice to know. I was also being given high doses of ibuprofen which it says directly on the bottle that ibuprofen can block the effects of bp medications and cause them not to be as effective. They had tried me on several different types of bp meds. None were working.


By Friday (we'd been there since Monday) I was asking a midwife why I couldn't go home. I told her I just wanted to be home with my baby and that I knew the signs of trouble...and knew how to monitor my own bp. She got very stern with me and asked me 'do you want to go home and have a stroke'? We of course I don't. I didn't even know that was a worry...but...yeah...with the baby blues and all my hormones...I became absolutely terrified of having a stroke. I believed that at any minute I was going to stroke out and die. Or I thought that I'd have a paralyzing stroke and that Keith would have to take care of his mentally disabled wife and a newborn baby all by himself. It was awful to be that emotional and not having any medical support. The main Doctor came in and said my bp is starting to come down but that he'd like to see it a bit lower...and that he was rooting for us to go home the next day 'Saturday'. That day/night the very helpful nurse got my bp down to 140/93! Several times. She was convinced that was good enough to get me home the next day!


The next morning we patiently awaited our Doctor with huge grins on our faces. We were so excited to finally get to bring Bryce home! Our dreams became our nightmare when the Doctor busted in the room (literally) and 'banged' on the wall as his 'knock'. He stormed in and said 'those numbers aren't good enough, I'm not sending you home'. I just hung my head and went silent. Keith is the one who spoke up and said 'what is it that we need to do to get home? we just want to know what is being looked for so that we can get out of here'. The Doctor said 'I need her blood pressure to be under 140/90 consistently. Keith mentioned that my personal Dr (knowing my history) was comfortable with 160/100. The Doctor said 'that's too high. You are free to sign an AMA (against medical advice) to leave'. We immediately said 'no that isn't what we want to do at all...we trust that you know what you're doing, but we just want to be home as a family so can you tell us what we need to do?' I also mentioned that I just didn't think my bp would get that low in a hospital setting. I always got nervous when the would wheel in the bp cart because so much was riding on that little machine. So then the Doctor says 'you know what, I can't deal with you any more. I'm discharging you, see me in a week' and storms off.


I have been called a liar about what he said...I've been told I must have heard him wrong...etc. But Keith was right there...that is what the man said to me. An emotional 6 days post partum woman. Well besides being shocked, I was convinced I was going to die now that I wasn't under a Doctor's care. I realize now that he wouldn't have sent me home if he really thought I'd die. We went home that afternoon and I stayed obsessed with my blood pressure readings for another week or two. I didn't want to get close to Bryce because I didn't want him to love me and then I die from a stroke. It was the most horrible 2 weeks of my life, but also the most beautiful. There is always Bryce's face in the haze of the bad that happened.


Oddly enough, I would still go back to MY Doctor. She actually had nothing to do with 99% of the things that happened to me. She did what she felt was best in her medical opinion to keep myself and Bryce safe. She is a beautiful human being and I respect her a lot. I have a feeling she doesn't like me much but not everyone has to like you. She did her job of keeping me and Bryce alive and that is what matters to me. As for the other situations...I believe human kindness and human decency should have come in to play. I am not a number...I am a person and I deserve to be treat as such. A lot of the situations were the people carrying out their medical duties and I understand that...but this is driving me even more to have a home birth next time. With a doula and a midwife. I will trust their medical opinions in regards to my care.


The support I received from my husband was unmatched by anything I've ever experienced in my life. He was amazing. He still steps up with anything I need him to do. It's beautiful to see him interacting with his son the way he does.


Just to give you an idea....my total hospital bill was over $88,000. Insurance helped a lot. We probably owed about $2,000 of that...which is amazing. But a word of caution- don't be fooled by the 'breast feeding gifts' they give you. 'Pump accessories' etc. THEY ARE NOT GIFTS...MY 'GIFTS' COST ME $500!!! My take home pads and undies $400!!!! Don't be fooled. Get your own supplies.


And with that, good night...and here are some pics :-)

Chicken Thighs

This is one of my favorite recipes. I will usually pop them in when I know I'll be home for the next hour...sometimes I do it while Bryce is napping. So simple and so delicious.


I start out with 6 bone-in skin-on chicken thighs. A lot of you probably worry about the animal fat but here is a little bit of detail HERE and you also would want to attempt to buy a meat from a quality place. I get my meat from Whole Foods because they have a standard of no hormones, no antibiotics, etc. Other meats that do not specifically state these things can build up the toxins in their fat and we don't want that! Anyhow, animal fat can be good for our bodies! There are lots of vitamins etc. Everything in moderation. Ok- so 6 chicken thighs. I never knew you were supposed to rinse meat...I mean I don't rinse my beef (unless you're supposed to?) So I start by rinsing my chicken thighs. If you're lazy and/or short on time like me, then here is what I do.

I just drape a paper towel in my 9x13 dish and lay the rinsed chicken on that- then I use the extra paper towel off to the side to pat the chicken dry. Much easier than drying each single piece.


Then I take my coconut oil (you can use any oil you want basically but I really enjoy the subtle coconut flavor it gives the chicken AND coconut oil is SO good for you. Read more HERE) I use

Anyhow (see I ramble!) I take between 1/8 cup and 1/4 cup of coconut oil and melt it (always glass containers) in the microwave for 10-15 seconds. Coconut oil melts almost on instant contact with heat so it doesn't take much. Then I poor in a TBSP of mustard (honey or dijon (I prefer the taste of honey) with a pinch of sea salt (we are not salt users so if you want more, feel free) and about a TBSP (or a little less) of dried sage. Feel free to use any seasoning in fact. Play with it. That's what I do. Mix it all in with the coconut oil and it should look like this

Then take a baster (oh yes, you did remember to pre-heat the oven to 425° right?) and baste your chicken thighs. I get around the edges and just use your oil concoction liberally. The first time I made these I ended up wasting precious coconut oil because the chicken turned my beautiful oil mixture in to a hard clumpy mess. THIS IS NORMAL!! You're going to see the coconut oil mixture harden up on your nice cold chicken. 100% normal. Wish someone had told me that! I thought the oil was bad! Coconut oil is so versatile...I call it a shape shifter.

Then pop it in the oven for 45 minutes and VOILA! You can actually do less time because when I check my meat thermometer it always is in the low 200's for temp. I have stopped the time at 40 minutes and it has been just right. Always check with a meat thermometer which for poultry should read about 165°.

I end up making these about 2x a week because I eat about 2 per meal. So does Keith. Bryce just nibbles as he has become very selective about what he eats. Pairings? I usually will roast or steam some asparagus. I highly recommend you all get a stainless steel basket steamer. It's the best thing to ever happen to my kitchen. Roasted broccoli or asparagus etc...takes 5 minutes on top of my stove! I then mix said vegetable with olive oil and pinch of garlic salt and there you have it. Sometimes I'll quickly (for lunch) just make a mixed green salad with olive oil and vinegar. Maybe some pita chips along side for complex carbs (100% whole wheat of course) and there you have a meal.

Hope this sounds good to everyone! Enjoy :-)
6 bone-in skin-on chicken thighs
1/8 to 1/4 cup coconut oil
Dash of sea salt
1 TBSP dijon or honey mustard
1 TBSP (or less) of dried sage
425° for 45 minutes (or until thermometer reads 165°)

It can be hard

Sometimes I hear or see other mothers doing things differently than I do and I have to force myself not to judge. I wish it wasn't that way but it is. I keep my opinions to myself unless asked for advice and even then I hold back. For instance, breastfeeding my toddler is my choice and it is what I feel is best for us at the present moment. Do I enjoy the bond it creates between us? Yes. It literally sets aside 10-20 minutes every few hours where he is quiet, calm, pressing his warm skin on to mine, and taking in all kinds of nourishment that otherwise could not be provided. There are a multitude of ingredients that are not found in most other food sources on Earth (find some information HERE) Still, I get incredulous reactions to me still nursing him. He is 15 months old...not 12 years old. Leave me, and my child, alone. Please don't get me wrong, I really value others opinions but when something you say puts doubt in my mind about my parenting, I get really aggravated.
Speaking of touch...like I said, I enjoy cuddling with my son. My son sleeps with us. Insert gasp here. My husband and I agreed that it is what is best for us and our son. Let me show you some pictures of mammals...

Have I proven my point? In my instinct manual my gut tells me that my baby should sleep with me. Instinct tells me he needs my protection. Instinct tells me that when he wakes I should wake...Need I go on? This is not to say I think parents who do not sleep with their babies are doing a bad job...my point is that EVERYONE is doing a good job no matter what...so why am I (or we including my husband) the ones looked at or talked about when we are doing what is right for us? I don't see how the natural way (breastfeeding, organics, baby wearing (on my back or in front), sleeping with us, etc...is that 'abnormal' way.


So now that all of that is off my chest-in other news we are broke as a joke. Broke broke broke. We finally forced ourselves to sit down and look at our budget and as much as we hate it...it wasn't pretty. I won't go in to details because that isn't the point but if you don't see us much, that's why LOL. We have been doing really well eating at home, cooking our own food, etc. It saves on gas and is healthier all around. Bryce is very selective about what he eats (even though we did the ranges of food when he turned 6 months) he absolutely hates fruit...won't touch anything red or yellow, will only eat veggies sometimes (used to eat it all the time but like I said...very selective lately). I am hoping that eating at home and giving him more finger foods will help. I hope to eliminate crunchies and baby food pouched permanently. If only I could get him to eat some grapes or something while we are out! We did have success with a banana or two the other day. Progress!


It's my goal to update more often. I want to share my mothering adventures and also some recipes and health tips...we'll see how it goes. Bare with me as I'm still learning this whole blogging thing and so some of my posts may look wacky 'construction' wise. I'm working out the kinks. Thanks for reading and Happy 4th!

It's been a little while

And I apologize for that! I've had a sick little buddy for a good week and a half (one Saturday he popped up with a 103° fever :-( He acted pretty much like himself until he officially hit that 103 mark. Then he acted a bit woozy and tired so we rushed to urgent care (sigh weekends) They gave me the 'not vaccinated' lecture. (It is our choice, we have back ups to our decisions for our son, judge away, etc) Then they wanted to treat him with motrin and I had brought my own dye-free alcohol-free tylenol. We treated the fever, the Doctor said he was good to go, poked my boob twice, and we went on our way.

Wait- what? She poked your boob twice? Yes, she poked my boob twice. I was nursing Bryce because he was hell-bent on not getting looked over and she walked right up to us and poked my boob 'poke poke' and then poked his face 'poke poke' and said 'MMMMMM is that goooooood'.
........

I am all for the support, she could have easily made comments about it or told me to put it away (which I would not have done) but she was definitely all for breastfeeding...just...well...she poked my boob. Nothing more to say on that.

So on to greener pastures- Bryce is feeling a lot better--- his fever turned in to a cold but he's got all that out of his system I'm thinking.

So I am a big fan of zulily.com (no I am not plugging them...although if you want me to provide a link and you buy from them...I get $20!) Anyhow--I spend a lot of money with them because the products they provide at discount prices are awesome! Some of the deals I find are just great. I ordered a few books from them a couple weeks ago and am really excited. Keith and I want to start incorporating more raw foods in to our diet. When most people think 'raw' they think 'blech' and don't give it another thought. I think the idea is amazing and some of the recipes look delicious. I am especially excited about this raw pesto made from zucchini noodles (spiraled zucchini) and the pesto is made with pine nuts and some spices, oils etc. My only concern though is that I went to Whole Foods to buy pine nuts (thinking I could find them in the bulk area) and I they didn't have them! They only had packaged ones in teeny tiny amounts that were like $6.99!! (I can't remember the exact price or amount there was but I remember calculating I'd have to buy 3 or 4 packs for just the recipe! A lot of raw recipes require pine nuts...so I'm a bit derailed at the moment.

Keith and I also want to start getting healthier. We attempted the Couch to 5k app at one point last summer and were doing really well...until....I got runner's knee. And O.M.G it is VERY painful. So we stopped. I don't know how to muster through that. I thought it was one of those 'oh push yourself harder' but it turns out that you need to rest when it happens. GREAT. There is no way that if I get runner's knee again that I can chase after Bryce. I could hardly put any weight on my knees...and now I have a toddler getting in to everything?! There's just no way. I guess the best way to 'try' to avoid something like that again would be to ease in to it again...but slower this time. We were doing 3 days a week (like the app says) but I think we skipped walking days in between...so maybe my muscles were resting too much? Not sure

Do you have any tips for me fellow runners? My cousin says to take aleve or tylenol but I can't take too much tylenol because of my liver (fatty liver....I need to lose weight) and aleve isn't good for high blood pressure (need to lose weight) and you can't take advil because of reye's syndrome and Bryce is still nursing... sooooooo guess I get to suffer through the pain? LOL

Some things you may not know about me

1. I have severe anxiety 2. I have a very bad temper which I am still learning to control 3. I once went on a date with a guy 21 years older than me 4. I once went on a date with a man who was 6'8" tall (that was interesting) 5. I punched a guy at a club for grabbing my lady parts 6. I once got punched at a concert for absolutely no reason at all 7. I went to Catholic school in middle school 8. I love acting but hate being the center of attention 9. I love the smell of coffee but absolutely hate the taste (I've tried and tried and tried) 10. I wouldn't eat broken cookies as a child and I still don't think they're as good as a whole cookie 11. I met my husband on Myspace 12. I once was an overbearing friend and didn't know it 13. I lost more than one good friendship because of #12 and I regret it all the time--to those that this applies to, I am sorry and I really wish we were still as close as we used to be 14. I absolutely love Snoop Dogg (or Snoop Lion) 15. I absolutely love Randy Travis (you know...because Snoop and Randy are so similar) 16. I used to sit in my room and listen to Celtic music and pretend I was a Princess in medieval times...I was a teenager at the time 17. I played with Barbies until I was 12 18. I kissed a girl when I was 7 19. I have a small rock in my knee from a childhood injury 20. I worry constantly about my health and it is exhausting 21. I feel other people's pain 22. I laugh when people get hurt- but not because it's funny...I think that is how I handle those situations 23. I still want to be an Anthropologist 24. I failed the GRE miserably 25. I want to take the GRE again and pass 26. I know several people taking advantage of 'the system' and it makes me really mad. Not because I'm righteous but because Keith and I are not well off but make a little too much for WIC or foodstamps and we really could use them. These people do not need the assistance 27. I want a house so bad I can taste it 28. I love my son with all of my heart but I sometimes count the minutes until Keith comes home so that I have some help 29. I live in a house of clutter but you can ask me where almost anything is and I can tell you where it is exactly 30. I have an uncanny ability of remembering things...except where I put my keys...or phone Alright..there is a little more about me...tell me about yourself.

1st Birthday!

Bryce's 1st birthday has come and gone. I was teary eyed a few times leading up to the day but I found myself so busy with preparations that I didn't have time to stop and have a good cry. On his actual birthday we did a family/1st birthday photo shoot. It was a lot of fun and he was really cooperative. I think we've got it down now...The first few photo shoots we were such amateurs that Bryce was too tired and we got hardly any smiles. This time we did it early in the morning before his first nap and voila- tons of cute pictures. It's really funny the things I have learned this first year as a parent. #1. You will always forget something when you leave the house. It is inevitable. EVEN if you have a list..you will realize you forgot to put something ON that list. What do we leave most frequently without? Well, being a cloth diapering family we continuously forget the wet bag. (Wet bags are basically a 'garbage can' inside your diaper bag...they keep the stink away from the soiled diapers. #1b- we always forget to empty the wet bag. (insert disgusted face here). #2- being a breastfeeding family, we didn't have a need for bottles or formula...but once he started eating solids (and knew that when we were in a restaurant it was time to eat for him too) we always forget spoons!!! I mean I am fine with him eating off restaurant utensils (I GUESS) but it's better to have an infant spoon for a small infant mouth! #2b-we always forget to refrigerate the left over food. Goodbye dollars. It makes me even more mad when I make his baby food (probably 50% of his food I make myself) because not only did I buy it fresh...but I took the time to prepare it! #3- Diapers. Sigh. Yes we've forgotten diapers. Not frequently but yes. Such an essential. I think there has been two occasions where we've had to buy a small pack of disposables because we were nowhere near home when we realized. #3b-refer to #1b and gag. I could go on and on to list our shortcomings as parents but the fact is, my son is happy, healthy, and smart. This last year has been the most wonderful of our lives and I can't wait for the next year!

So I'll do a little rambling...

Today is Bryce's 1st birthday. I am so excited and a little melancholy at the same time. I feel so blessed that he is a happy healthy baby boy but I am also afraid I may not be able to have more children. Bryce was conceived through fertility treatments (progesterone, metformin, clomid baby) and although we got him on the first try (Go Keith!) we know that it may not happen like that again. I do feel very happy that I have been able to breastfeed as 1/3 of women with PCOS are not able to. Bryce is still almost 100% breastfed...it's been a long journey and a difficult one sometimes but I am SO glad I stuck with it. I feel like it is what is best for him and I love what it has done for our bonding experience. Alright--so there is a tiny bit about me. What else? I enjoy long walks on the beach and...oh save it. I feel like I'll keep expressing who I am little by little. For now...I'll share his first birthday cake recipe which turned out AMAZING (it's non-dairy; no eggs as Bryce has allergies.... poor guy) anyhow...for no dairy and no eggs it was purty good! 1.5 c flour 1 c sugar (I used organic cane sugar) 1/4 cup cocoa powder (I used organic raw cocoa powder) 1 tsp baking soda 1/2 tsp salt 1 tsp vinegar (I used organic apple-cider vinegar) 1 tsp vanilla 1/3 cup oil (I used organic whole kernel coconut oil Dr. Bronner's Brand) 1 c Cold Water (I used all-natural cold pressed whole kernel organic filtered water...from my fridge...?) I wasn't able to find a suitable frosting... the one I got was labeled egg-free, dairy free, nut free...frosting...but when I opened it it was more like a sticky glazed thing..and didn't taste very good) I was in a time crunch and had no time to make my own butter-free butter cream icing...sooooooooooo off to Publix I went at 7AM to pick up their tub of butter cream. I barely glanced at the ingredients when I started getting nervous about the stuff I saw...(including the dairy and eggs) but not limited to the artificial ingredients... So off we went to our family photo shoot. It was really fun (post pictures later) but when we got to the cake part...he was NOT having it. That's ok though...he is only 1 (tear!). Once we were finished and got in the car (just in time for milky milk!) he broke out in hives...just like I said he would. When he nurses (if I've eaten dairy or eggs) he poos blood :-( He hasn't gotten sick though...but we'll know for sure next time (I was hoping it was just a reaction when he gets it through breast milk) That's all for now. What things have you learned as a parent to 'just let go'? Cake smash sessions? Opening presents? Please share :-)

Figured I'd start here...

I've been looking for a place to keep my thoughts and share with others too. Hopefully I can be of help. Here are my promises. I promise to be honest. This means I will be honest with you even if the truth sounds bad. Here is one- motherhood is hard. It is amazing but it is hard. Take for instance today--my son Bryce (he is almost a year old) wanted to get in to everything! I am aware that this is normal behavior because 'oh hai mom...I can get around now so MOVE' but seeing as how we are first time parents, the whole baby-proofing thing isn't going too well. We have a kitchen cart that I just can't bring myself to get rid of. It has no purpose in this new apartment and just sits there egging my kid on 'come on Bryce, climb on me Bryce, I want to tip over on you Bryce'. I don't want to be the type of mom that says no-no-no-no-no...all day but that is what is happening! The same goes for our television and DVR-the waves they emit must have a beacon for infants/toddlers. Another promise- I promise to be me. There are not many circles I really fit in to anymore-none where I feel like I can be myself and here I can do just that. I can type what I want, vent about what I want, whine about what I want...just be me. I can't really think of more promises right now because it is after midnight and the bubbo is sleeping but I will post more later. I also need to go switch up my profile to get this thing going. I'm excited. Pictures and 'about me' to come!