Facing Coronavirus with Anxiety

I've been trying to figure out the words to write down to convey how this entire situation is affecting me.  It seems that most individuals are rallying around 'We will get through this together', 'God will provide', 'It will be ok', 'Have faith'.  If you are one of these people I am SO genuinely happy for you that you have that comfort within yourself.  I mean that from the bottom of my heart.  But me?  I don't have that.  I have anxiety.  Clinical anxiety.  I don't feel secure within myself.  I don't have faith.  Not because I don't believe in a God or a higher power...I don't have faith in this situation, this country, or my state....OR myself.

Here's the reason(s) why I am spiraling...

We live in Florida.  We have 2 kids, a dog, a house, and 2 car payments.  We carry debt (credit and student loans) but we were ok.  We were alive and could pay our bills.  Could we take a huge vacation?  Nah...but we could do a few small stay cations.  This year was a bit tighter because of the baby being born.  Not only the medical bills ($40,000 for a 36 hour stay/uncomplicated birth of which we owe like $4,000) but I had to cut down on my hours at vipkid too.  We didn't think about the fact that when she was born, I couldn't work 8-10 classes 7 days a week...Bryce could fend for himself when Keith worked mornings...She cannot.  Oops!  So right there we lost a lot.  I won't go in to particulars but ...it was a lot.  We were still ok.  We were trying to figure out how to get rid of debt (which was what my income was doing) and still be ok. 

So- then coronavirus hits.  First the consensus was 'Disney will never close they'll be fine'.  Keith was trying to remain optimistic, whereas I....because I work with people in China daily....was not so optimistic.  I told him, well Shanghai Disney is closed and I'm expecting Disney here will too.  Obviously it did. Here's a bullet list of how it went down.

• Country begins to close down
• I predicted Disney would close
• Businesses begin to close-Disney stays open
• I predict Columbia (his second job) will begin to close
• Columbia closes 
• I predict the warehouse he works out of will remain open because warehouses are essential
• Disney closes (out of an abundance of caution)
• Workers are told they'll be paid through such and such a date
• Columbia warehouse closes
• Keith and other essentials working 1-2 days a week at the warehouse
• Keith and other essentials deemed no longer essential-stay home
• Non-union and salary people furloughed
• Union furloughed officially

So here we are.   Keith is about 90% of the income in this house.  Unemployment maxes out here in Florida at $275 a week...and we only get it for 12 weeks.  The extra $600 is not here yet (supposedly going out via 'hard check'....)

Uncertainty is anxiety's nemesis.  I cannot operate under uncertainty.  People tell me to take it day by day but I literally can't.  It's not me being a pessimist or debbie downer.  Stop faulting someone for the way they are.  I can't help it.  I see things in black or white.  I need to play out 'what if' scenarios in my head to get a grip on the things that could happen.  We have no incoming income currently (mine is pretty inconsequential).  The problem is- there is no end in sight.  This is not going to be gone in 2 weeks.  A month.  2 months.  China is still on lock down essentially.  Some adults have gone back to work.  Many have not.  Movie theaters opened back up only to shut down again 2 days later amid fear.  Stores are open with social distancing parameters as well as restaurants.  In what capacity would Disney be able to social distance?  What feasible enforceable way could they?  They can't.  They literally can't.  Shanghai Disney has been closed for close to 90 days now (85?).  Medical professionals have said social distancing will be needed until there is a vaccine....so...?  Disney is closed for what?  15 months?  A year?   Might as well be 6 years for these families.

Things people have said (that are not helpful)

• Time for theme park workers to find another job!  (what job?  Keith has applied for a dozen or more with rejections or no answers....next?)  The market will be flooded
• He'll get unemployment!  (mkay...for the next 3-4 months...then what?)
• Stimulus money! (better than nothing but still only a one time thing)
• Companies will work with you!  (our credit cards allow a 1-2 time skipped payment.  Our cars allow 2 skipped payments.  Our mortgage allows 3 months forbearance due in one lump sum or spread over 3-6 months which raises our mortgage about $1000 each month...totally not feasible for not having income for months)
• Suck it up.  Others have it worse.  (yep...the do...and we have it worse than some...I mean come on...everyone is scared...nobody is safe...this is all insane. 
• Find a new skill set.  (Keith has been employed in theme parks for 27 years and is considered a skill trade... what would you like him to do?  Go back to school?  Riiiiight.
• Jennie- you should work more.  I can't.  I literally can't.  I already am working at 5:30am 2 days a week and 7:30AM 3 days a week.  I am also nursing a baby in the middle of the night.  I. Am. Beyond. Exhausted.  Then...yep Keith is home now but I still care for the kids all day (he does too).  I am home schooling Bryce as usual...and making most of the meals.  When I work the 5:30 classes I've found myself falling asleep while teaching.  That's not good.  When I'm finished I'm either so tired I need to sleep more...or later I need a nap....but I'm irritable and sad.  I'm too tired to enjoy my day with the kids.  I have picked up some more classes (more days a week) but I'm already stretched thin.  Please stop making me feel guilty for not working more.  Keith even has said that it's too much for me.

 Some other points.  These are less important but I'm mourning a few things. (and we are all allowed to mourn life stuff during this without being told 'well people are dying'...yep.  I get it. We all get it.  Doesn't make this situation easier.)

•  I'm mourning that we didn't get to have Bryce's birthday party.  He looks forward to seeing his friends come together to play.  He doesn't get invited many places during the year unfortunately. Now he really doesn't because of social distancing.  So he adores having his friends over.
• I'm mourning the first year of Everleigh's life.  She has the love of her family but we aren't getting to bring her out- missed her first Easter Bunny photos...first Easter Egg hunts, First blueberry festival.  I had outfits all planned out for people to 'ooo and ahhhh' over.  
• I'm pissed that it's possible that I won't get to have her first birthday party if social distancing is still a factor. 
• I am mourning going out in general.  For the first few months I was a recluse getting accustomed to her schedule...so I've basically been social distancing for 8 months.  These last few weeks would have been a piece of cake!  But not months...We've finally got it down...and now we can't go anywhere.  I'm getting kinda loopy from not being out and about.

The fact is- none of us know when this will end.  Too soon and we all get sick.  Too late (well it's actually already too late for the economy to be honest...it's imploding).  Nothing will be the same ever again.  That's not a pessimist view.  It's reality.  We are looking at a new normal.

We are on a count down in this house.  We've got 4 months of cushion (unemployment) .... Disney will absolutely not be open in that time frame.... then what?  Beg for money?  Cross our fingers that the government will issue protections for people in this situation?  Sell the house?  Wait for another stimulus? 

Everyone's situation is different.  I wish I had your optimism.  I wish I had your level-head.  Unfortunately I don't. This is our reality for now.  I hope it provides some clarification on why I don't share your enthusiasm or sort of shut down when/if we speak about it.  It's nothing on you.  It's really all me.  My brain/soul/personality.  Whatever you want to call it.  It's just me.