What's in a miscarriage?

I'll bet that title got your attention...

In an effort to be transparent we've decided to share this roadblock in our journey.

We are having (I am having) a miscarriage. Right now. As you're reading this I am losing a baby. A baby that had no guarantee, a baby that we paid $1,000 (PER MONTH) for (so almost $3,000 so far this year), a baby that we've paid for each month and still haven't met our $3,000 deductible (yes...many things are not covered when you're doing infertility treatment), a baby that we've hoped and prayed for endlessly, a baby that we already named...the day we found out, the baby that we told Bryce about, a baby we told our closest friends and families about, a baby.

Right now it is up in the air what is going on. I was very early for starters. It's either a chemical pregnancy (one that you lose before your missed period) or an ectopic. If it is ectopic I have 2 choices. Medications (which has WONDERFUL side effects including but not limited to: death, bone marrow and blood issues, hair loss, tumor growth) OR surgery to remove part of my female organs.

We are really hoping it's a chemical pregnancy type miscarriage. Yes you read that right...we are hoping for the less of the miscarriage 'types'.

To say we are devastated would be a massive understatement. You put all your eggs (HA! eggs!) in one ovary-I mean basket- and really hope for a good turn out. The good news? I am able to get pregnant. The bad news? Our HSA ran out and moving forward until we meet our deductible, it will be all out of pocket. We aren't quite sure we CAN continue...but we are SO close!

What have the reactions been like? Well, I will preface this with something... there have been some insensitive reactions. The preface is- I will share them but please understand that I'm not upset with the comments. In situations such as these I think people try to find SOMEthing to say rather than nothing. So if it has to be something insensitive, it's better than them shrugging their shoulders...in their opinions.

I've been told that maybe God didn't want me to have a baby right now. My argument for that is simply this- if that is true then why did God want a child abuser to have a baby right now?

I've been told it was my stress level. My argument for that is 'so every pregnant woman out there has been zen? Nah...I'm pretty sure a ton of women are stressed and then find out they're pregnant'. Also- yeah...even if I am stressed (and who wouldn't be buying a house that ended up being infested with bugs?) it isn't my fault. I won't take the blame for this miscarriage.

Others have just been sorry. Which is amazing. The ones that have been really helpful are the ones who check in on me every couple days because that lets me know they're thinking of me.

I have an appointment tomorrow to make sure my levels are going down. If they are then we can proceed if we choose. If not, then we have to find out what is going on.