Are there any others out there who suffer from anxiety? Honest to goodness anxiety? When people say they succumb to that demon (and yes it IS a demon) it is not just your run of the mill 'I don't want to go to the dentist' feeling. I go through weeks of feeling foggy. It's horrible. Usually these episodes last over a week but not more than two. The entire time I sit above my own body begging to be allowed back inside...wanting to shake myself out of it and yet reveling in it. What I mean by that is that I feel validated by my feelings and it is a viscous cycle. If I come out of my 'episode' (and really that is for lack of a better word) then everyone else is right...and it was all in my head. If I don't come out of my episode then MAYBE just maybe people will take me seriously and believe me. Believe my symptoms are real...believe that something is truly wrong. I read something a couple weeks ago and it said something about anxiety being a poor man's depression or a second cousin to depression and that is VERY true. Anxiety can be just as debilitating as depression has the opportunity to be. It's a creeping demon that hangs over our heads just as depression does.
My anxiety got a lot worse after I had Bryce. I'm not sure if it was the hormones or just the shock of motherhood or if it really was the traumatic experiences I went through during the pregnancy and birth...perhaps all of it. I used to have 1 or 2 day blips of bad anxiety and be fine...but like I said, now it goes on a few weeks. I feel like the anxious girl who cried wolf...except there really is a wolf and nobody else can see it.
Keith and I have been talking about moving lately. We really want to get out of this state eventually. I know it won't happen for at least another 2 or so years but I think we are pretty serious about it. There are petty reasons and valid reasons for the desire. First off, I want my kid to know the seasons. I want him to rake leaves and play in the piles. I want him to roll down grassy hills and see wildflowers. Florida is so ... FAKE. This is coming from a girl who was raised here and loves the heat. Just call me Olaf. But seriously- I don't want my kid to touch the 'nature' around here. I saw them spraying green sh*t on the grass in front of our neighborhood. Really? We are painting the grass green?! Is that why the grass is greener on the other side? Everyone is just painting their grass green? Are we painting the roses red too? Where's the queen of hearts? I want to go to a REAL farmer's market! We went a farmer's market last year and I was so excited to find organic produce. Then I saw her pouring organic spinach out of a sealed plastic aldi's bag. O_o excuse me? That does not scream 'locally grown' to me. The petty reasons abound but one major one is that we feel like everyone has their 'people' already. All the friendships that you take to your grave are used up. We realized that we are always reaching out to others for a friendly hello and nobody reaches out to us. There are exceptions and we are blessed to be truly loved by some. I think we just want more for Bryce. People see this strong-willed boy who throws tantrums and hits his mama and they form their opinion. They don't see the INCREDIBLY smart, sweet, kind, funny, dramatic, and handsome boy. What other kid at 18 months knew every letter of the alphabet ON SIGHT and 1-10? He's now 2.5 and knows 1-20, all forms of letters (upper case, lower case, and each form of the letters (like the different a's and g's). We plan on homeschooling because I am not having some teacher or other students make him feel badly for who he is for any reason. We've had much too much of that already in his 2.5 years and he doesn't deserve it. He deserves people who love him for every ounce of who he is... good and bad.
That was a tangent! Anyhow- we are looking at North Carolina...opinions? Good cities? Towns? Can this Florida girl survive up there? It would all depend on if Keith ever found a job up there....He has a really good thing at Disney and is celebrating his 10-year this year :)
I have not started the Whole30 yet. Will post progress when I do. Probably not the best thing to start considering the food and wine festival is starting in a couple days...
Good night all...and please remember to be kind to one another...you never know what kind of day someone else has had and your smile may mean the world to them.
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