Facing Coronavirus with Anxiety

I've been trying to figure out the words to write down to convey how this entire situation is affecting me.  It seems that most individuals are rallying around 'We will get through this together', 'God will provide', 'It will be ok', 'Have faith'.  If you are one of these people I am SO genuinely happy for you that you have that comfort within yourself.  I mean that from the bottom of my heart.  But me?  I don't have that.  I have anxiety.  Clinical anxiety.  I don't feel secure within myself.  I don't have faith.  Not because I don't believe in a God or a higher power...I don't have faith in this situation, this country, or my state....OR myself.

Here's the reason(s) why I am spiraling...

We live in Florida.  We have 2 kids, a dog, a house, and 2 car payments.  We carry debt (credit and student loans) but we were ok.  We were alive and could pay our bills.  Could we take a huge vacation?  Nah...but we could do a few small stay cations.  This year was a bit tighter because of the baby being born.  Not only the medical bills ($40,000 for a 36 hour stay/uncomplicated birth of which we owe like $4,000) but I had to cut down on my hours at vipkid too.  We didn't think about the fact that when she was born, I couldn't work 8-10 classes 7 days a week...Bryce could fend for himself when Keith worked mornings...She cannot.  Oops!  So right there we lost a lot.  I won't go in to particulars but ...it was a lot.  We were still ok.  We were trying to figure out how to get rid of debt (which was what my income was doing) and still be ok. 

So- then coronavirus hits.  First the consensus was 'Disney will never close they'll be fine'.  Keith was trying to remain optimistic, whereas I....because I work with people in China daily....was not so optimistic.  I told him, well Shanghai Disney is closed and I'm expecting Disney here will too.  Obviously it did. Here's a bullet list of how it went down.

• Country begins to close down
• I predicted Disney would close
• Businesses begin to close-Disney stays open
• I predict Columbia (his second job) will begin to close
• Columbia closes 
• I predict the warehouse he works out of will remain open because warehouses are essential
• Disney closes (out of an abundance of caution)
• Workers are told they'll be paid through such and such a date
• Columbia warehouse closes
• Keith and other essentials working 1-2 days a week at the warehouse
• Keith and other essentials deemed no longer essential-stay home
• Non-union and salary people furloughed
• Union furloughed officially

So here we are.   Keith is about 90% of the income in this house.  Unemployment maxes out here in Florida at $275 a week...and we only get it for 12 weeks.  The extra $600 is not here yet (supposedly going out via 'hard check'....)

Uncertainty is anxiety's nemesis.  I cannot operate under uncertainty.  People tell me to take it day by day but I literally can't.  It's not me being a pessimist or debbie downer.  Stop faulting someone for the way they are.  I can't help it.  I see things in black or white.  I need to play out 'what if' scenarios in my head to get a grip on the things that could happen.  We have no incoming income currently (mine is pretty inconsequential).  The problem is- there is no end in sight.  This is not going to be gone in 2 weeks.  A month.  2 months.  China is still on lock down essentially.  Some adults have gone back to work.  Many have not.  Movie theaters opened back up only to shut down again 2 days later amid fear.  Stores are open with social distancing parameters as well as restaurants.  In what capacity would Disney be able to social distance?  What feasible enforceable way could they?  They can't.  They literally can't.  Shanghai Disney has been closed for close to 90 days now (85?).  Medical professionals have said social distancing will be needed until there is a vaccine....so...?  Disney is closed for what?  15 months?  A year?   Might as well be 6 years for these families.

Things people have said (that are not helpful)

• Time for theme park workers to find another job!  (what job?  Keith has applied for a dozen or more with rejections or no answers....next?)  The market will be flooded
• He'll get unemployment!  (mkay...for the next 3-4 months...then what?)
• Stimulus money! (better than nothing but still only a one time thing)
• Companies will work with you!  (our credit cards allow a 1-2 time skipped payment.  Our cars allow 2 skipped payments.  Our mortgage allows 3 months forbearance due in one lump sum or spread over 3-6 months which raises our mortgage about $1000 each month...totally not feasible for not having income for months)
• Suck it up.  Others have it worse.  (yep...the do...and we have it worse than some...I mean come on...everyone is scared...nobody is safe...this is all insane. 
• Find a new skill set.  (Keith has been employed in theme parks for 27 years and is considered a skill trade... what would you like him to do?  Go back to school?  Riiiiight.
• Jennie- you should work more.  I can't.  I literally can't.  I already am working at 5:30am 2 days a week and 7:30AM 3 days a week.  I am also nursing a baby in the middle of the night.  I. Am. Beyond. Exhausted.  Then...yep Keith is home now but I still care for the kids all day (he does too).  I am home schooling Bryce as usual...and making most of the meals.  When I work the 5:30 classes I've found myself falling asleep while teaching.  That's not good.  When I'm finished I'm either so tired I need to sleep more...or later I need a nap....but I'm irritable and sad.  I'm too tired to enjoy my day with the kids.  I have picked up some more classes (more days a week) but I'm already stretched thin.  Please stop making me feel guilty for not working more.  Keith even has said that it's too much for me.

 Some other points.  These are less important but I'm mourning a few things. (and we are all allowed to mourn life stuff during this without being told 'well people are dying'...yep.  I get it. We all get it.  Doesn't make this situation easier.)

•  I'm mourning that we didn't get to have Bryce's birthday party.  He looks forward to seeing his friends come together to play.  He doesn't get invited many places during the year unfortunately. Now he really doesn't because of social distancing.  So he adores having his friends over.
• I'm mourning the first year of Everleigh's life.  She has the love of her family but we aren't getting to bring her out- missed her first Easter Bunny photos...first Easter Egg hunts, First blueberry festival.  I had outfits all planned out for people to 'ooo and ahhhh' over.  
• I'm pissed that it's possible that I won't get to have her first birthday party if social distancing is still a factor. 
• I am mourning going out in general.  For the first few months I was a recluse getting accustomed to her schedule...so I've basically been social distancing for 8 months.  These last few weeks would have been a piece of cake!  But not months...We've finally got it down...and now we can't go anywhere.  I'm getting kinda loopy from not being out and about.

The fact is- none of us know when this will end.  Too soon and we all get sick.  Too late (well it's actually already too late for the economy to be honest...it's imploding).  Nothing will be the same ever again.  That's not a pessimist view.  It's reality.  We are looking at a new normal.

We are on a count down in this house.  We've got 4 months of cushion (unemployment) .... Disney will absolutely not be open in that time frame.... then what?  Beg for money?  Cross our fingers that the government will issue protections for people in this situation?  Sell the house?  Wait for another stimulus? 

Everyone's situation is different.  I wish I had your optimism.  I wish I had your level-head.  Unfortunately I don't. This is our reality for now.  I hope it provides some clarification on why I don't share your enthusiasm or sort of shut down when/if we speak about it.  It's nothing on you.  It's really all me.  My brain/soul/personality.  Whatever you want to call it.  It's just me.

Birth story!

I’m going to voice message this instead of typing it so sorry for the grammatical errors or run on sentences. So it was very important for us to get a VBAC but the fact that I was contemplating a homebirth and I had gotten to 41 weeks with very little effacement and no dilation they decided to send me to the hospital to be induced. Our preferred method was a Foley bulb catheter because it’s natural and I would be able to have a natural labor with no Pitocin but when they checked me I was still zero dilated and they cannot get a little foley bulb catheter in if you’re not dilated. So the decision was made to start me on Pitocin at a 6 which is very low to get me to dilate. A few hours later they checked me and I was still not dilated so they decided to let me go for a few more hours. Just as I was drifting off to sleep I felt a gush and they came in to check me I was still not dilated but I had lost my mucous plug. They tested me for amniotic leakage and even though the paper turned blue (indicating amniotic fluid)  the doctor said he did not think that my waters had broken.   We still not sure why he came to that conclusion but it is what it is. So they let me labor for a few more hours and the contractions started getting harder and closer together. I labored all through the night and in the morning Keith decided to go let our dog out and take Bryce for breakfast. I asked them to get me a couple snacks at the store and they were going to run around for a few more things. Boy was that the wrong decision! At some point during the early afternoon  my Doula showed up. She started helping me labor on the ball and walk around and use the restroom when I needed to. Once I got up off the ball I heard an audible pop that really hurt! And my waters burst everywhere. It was kind of like the movies where it’s a dramatic gush. LOL! At that point since my waters had broken we were not allowed to do the Foley bulb anymore. It can cause infection.  They made the decision to up the Pitocin because I was only dilated to a five and I had already been in labor for about 15 hours. I labored through the Pitocin for a very long time although I lost track of time. At some point Keith and Bryce ended up back at the hospital but I was incoherent at that point. According to the nurses and the Doula I was at Pitocin of 20. They told me  that I should be proud of laboring naturally to Pitocin of 20 for several hours because Pitocin puts you into transitional labor much earlier than women who labor naturally. I labored that way for several more hours but contractions were coming every minute and a half at an intensity level that I cannot describe and eventually I decided to get the epidural. I didn’t really feel like a failure… I felt more like a warrior because I did the best that I could. By that point I had been awake for 36 hours  in the pain of transitional labor for five of those hours and I was still only 5 cm dilated. I really needed some rest. I had to scream through the epidural because the contractions were so intense and close together. After the epidural of course the pain was a lot better but apparently my blood pressure dropped to 98/47. When that happened Evie’s heart rate dropped significantly. About a dozen nurses and doctors rushed into the room to flip me over on my side flush fluids into my veins and give me oxygen. They also had to give me medicine to bring my blood pressure up. That was a very scary few minutes for me. I really didn’t know what was going on and I honestly thought I was dying. Everything ended up OK my blood pressure dropped a couple more times and they had to keep giving me medicine to bring it back up. After my body adjusted to the epidural I rested a bit. I still never fell asleep but at least I could rest through the contractions. So day turned in to night and the epidural began to wear off. When it started to wear off I could feel a lot more pressure and I was able to tell when the contractions were coming. Eventually began to feel pain again but I could tell that we were getting close. I had a lot of pressure in different places than I have felt pressure before. I told my Doula and they came in to check me around midnight and determined that I was almost 10 cm. By that point I had been in labor for 26 hours.  I had started pitocin at 10pm the night before and had her at 12:59am the following day. The room filled with nurses and the doctor came in and everyone was excited for us. They said I was naturally good at pushing and it took me about 35 minutes to brush her out. They put her right on my chest and we determined that she was beautiful of course and she was just perfect. They stopped having me push during contractions because unbeknownst to us she  wasn’t handling coming through the birth canal very well. I didn’t know why the doctor told me to just push with no contractions but I did what he said and then she was here! I did have some tearing… A second-degree tear. I didn’t feel it when it happened even though the epidural had all but worn off but I did feel the stitches which was uncomfortable. And afterwards of course was very sore. My blood pressure stayed great  The whole time even though I was concerned about it. I never developed preeclampsia and my blood pressure has returned to normal since I had her. I worked very hard my entire pregnancy to continue to be healthy. We were in the hospital for less than 48 hours And then got to bring our beautiful girl home! My favorite moment of the entire experience besides getting my VBAC was seeing Bryce meet her for the first time :-) 

Facebook Debacles

(Originally I was posting this on facebook)

I rarely post personal things on here. I mostly share articles, things I'm interested in, sometimes funny blurbs of Bryce, and photos.

It came to my attention that back at the end of June when I posted the beginnings of the articles about children being separated from their parents- I said something to the effect of 'please delete yourselves if you think this is ok'. Someone deleted me and I noticed it today. I was deleted and blocked- which is fine.

I asked a mutual friend who shares my same political views if the person had deleted/blocked me, or just deleted their facebook. The mutual friend didn't respond. I messaged her the next day and said 'I'm thinking that means yes, I was deleted and blocked' sort of jokingly.

I got a pretty ugly message back. It basically said

'You're acting like you're in middle school and I refuse to play your silly drama game. I am too busy working and raising my baby to be involved in this- why don't you ask her yourself?'

I basically responded with 'How dare you insinuate I'm being immature- I didn't ask her myself because I'm blocked-hence-cannot ask. I also work 2 jobs, and raise/home school my kid so don't pretend you're busier than me, we all have important stuff in our lives'.

It all sounds so petty when laid out here. Frankly I don't mind that I was deleted by the first person because they apparently think it's ok for children to be torn from their parents. Both of these people refer to me as 'friend', but they never message me, never ask how I'm doing, they've both never met Keith (we've been together for 13 years), obviously never met my son. If I'm immature, and a message exasperates you so badly that you have to talk down to me...or you delete me because we have the opposing views (granted I said if you think it's ok to separate children from their families...I thought nobody would think that's ok basically)...then WHY are we friends?

So- I'm mulling over some things. I need to keep facebook because of work. The groups are invaluable- but I might be downsizing to family and very close friends. I'm not being dramatic (or extra? LOL) but after this exchange a light bulb went off. Why do I have random Bob on my list that I was friends with for 11 minutes in high school- whom I never even check in with? Why am I giving the girl who never really liked me access to my personal triumphs and letdowns? Thoughts? Anything similar happen to any of you? Sorry this is long- I should have made it a blog post... In fact...

It has been a while...as always.

I have been going through some things. Our decision to end treatment namely being a huge crux in my lack of updating. It was such a difficult decision. I slipped in to a depression, gained all my weight back and then some, and have been down. I am up to 214lbs. This is the heaviest I've ever been with the exception of pregnancy. It has been SO hard to get back on track. Keep in mind I still eat healthier than most. I don't eat refined sugar, I don't eat grains, etc. I have incorporated dairy back in to my diet and I think this has contributed to overall weight gain coupled with eating 'paleo snacks' for breakfast/lunch/dinner... snacks are not wholesome even if they are paleo.

So... I am starting tomorrow. Another 'whole whatever' journey.

We were going to begin more extensive fertility treatment this month but I am postponing it until the following month. I need to get my dieting/lifestyle under control and my weight at a more manageable number.

I finally joined a gym. I didn't want to but I feel like it will keep me motivated. I need to stop making excuses for not going and just do it. At $93/month I better. I had to lower my cable bill (1st world problems) and discontinue a subscription in order to pay for it...but it now balances out.

I'll keep an update of how that is going. I am hoping to log my food and fitness here. With photos... blah...the before photos will come after lol.

Tomorrow is Bryce's 6th birthday...he's so excited. He thinks 6 is so grown up and I'll let him believe that.

I started a new job. I'm teaching children from China to speak English. I LOVE this job. I make good money...I'm happy...I'm valued...I is kind...I is smart...I is important. I seriously love it. The hours are very early...I'm talking 4-5am to 9-10am...so that part has taken some adjustment... I always was a night owl..staying up until 2-3 and getting up around 9. It was a schedule that worked for us. So this has been a huge change. I miss my 'me' time at night... if I can get Bryce's bed time down to 8pm I'd gain about 2 hours of me time...right now he's in bed at 9 and by the time he gets up for his eighth drink of water it's time for me to go to bed too.

Anyone have insight on how to get back on the eating track and fitness track? I really want to stick with it.

Treatment Update

I haven't posted much or spoken about much in regards to fertility treatment and what have you. Mostly because there hasn't been much to tell.

When I switched physicians, we switched medications. I wanted to try the one I got pregnant with Bryce on. Well...that was a mistake. I formed a stupid cyst and went through the $100's of treatment and didn't even ovulate! So this cyst hung on and hung on and hung on....wouldn't shrink for almost 3 MONTHS. It was infuriating and I was beginning to get worried it would never go away.

Finally at my last appointment, it seemed to be shrinking, my estrogen level went from a 72 to a 48.... and he took this as a good sign. I was on active pill birth control for 9 straight weeks. He finally let me come off and hopefully it will shrink the rest of the cyst and everything will work out the way it is supposed to.

If it doesn't I'll have some additional testing.

We are going to officially hand in our paperwork for fostering soon. The classes are finished but after the move thing after thing after thing has come up. We are looking forward to this journey.

As for hurricane damage, the adjuster still hasn't made it out....which we understand since there are so many people affected. He will be out soon.

Nothing else to update. Bryce is doing well with homeschooling. I'm slowly working him up to longer teaching lessons. He thinks a workbook page is good enough lol. Trying to get him up to half days at least.

other homeschool moms? Any advice for getting a 5 year old to focus longer?

Hurricane Irma

Today is a new day. Yesterday when we woke up I was seriously devastated. I looked at my yard and my house and was just gutted. I was also angry. I was angry that I prepared for power outages and never even lost power. (not that I was angry that I didn't lose power, but I was angry that as the storm approached it was either going on the East or West Coast...not up the middle like the scary forecasts said in the days prior...and we were supposed to just lose power and have some high winds)

As I slept in the hall next to my 5 year old that wouldn't fall asleep until midnight because of the sounds, I realized, I've never been through anything like this. We are inland, considered 'low risk' for hurricanes, and just generally not in an area that experiences something like this. Hurricanes? Yes of course. Irma was one of the strongest recorded hurricanes and the largest.

We fared 100x better than the lower lying parts of Florida and the islands of course but still had (what I thought) was a good amount of damage.

So here was my status as of yesterday morning. New homeowner. First time home buyer. No idea how insurance or FEMA works. Just was told to try to get FEMA. Tried to get FEMA and was told not only was I the first Florida call (as though it was a bad thing) but that we had not been declared a disaster area and therefore are not eligible for assistance. This doesn't mean that I think I have some immeasurable amount of damage. It means I have damage. I thought you were supposed to try to get these things taken care of asap...not sort of be laughed at for being the first florida call. I THOUGHT that is what you're supposed to do. Basically get in line! I asked her why we weren't declared a disaster area and she said 'that is something that comes directly from the White House and the President.... our hands are tied' I said 'ok...I understand...but why wouldn't we be? The eye of a category 2 hurricane came right through us? 'I don't know'. I also was operating on almost no sleep. Stressed, tired, edgy, scared, angry, hungry. Never good.


So this morning. I am trying to do better. I am trying to look at my fence and think 'it might not be so bad'...but fences cost a lot of money. I know it's material but with our high deductible coupled with the high cost of having a fence put up...it's just a little disheartening. I'm thankful we are ok. I'm thankful my house (other than shingles) is ok. I'm thankful for all the people who have checked in. I'm also thankful for the people who have taken time to explain things to me about insurance and how the rate hikes *should* work.

Today is a lot more sunny, literally and figuratively. I am who I am and we did what we needed to to keep our family safe... that's the best I can do. I'm proud of how we came together as a family yesterday and cleaned up our yard. Now we need to figure out fences....and get through to this insurance! Their numbers aren't working... maybe their power is still out? Trying to be patient but these things can take months...just trying to get on the list early.

I am not extraordinary...

I'll preface this with 'it's ok'. But I'm not extraordinary.

When I run down a list of things that others can do, their capabilities, their loving weaknesses, ability to be a good friend, parenthood, skills....etc. I realize I really can't compare. Nobody speaks of me with fondness like 'she sure does love her dog, or she's such a cat lover, or she's a really good blogger, or she works really hard, or she really provides for her family, she's so fun, I miss her, she's a devoted wife, etc. I'm really nothing special.

Blame it on the hormones but I've been feeling pretty down and lonely lately. Not sure if it is this new medication I'm on or what but this is our 8th month of infertility treatment and I really don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Although meaning well, someone messaged me the other day that they are about to adopt their foster daughter. (She already has biological children) They got her at like...4 months old or something? They've had her for over a year and have known since she was very young that she was adoptable. The baby has no issues, no handicaps, etc. She knows we are trying to foster and knows we are doing infertility treatment, so why the announcement? I don't get it. Why me? We aren't even friends on facebook? I deleted her a while ago when our mutual friend and I (who we met through) stopped talking. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for her (as much as I can be for an acquaintance) but in general I'm more like 'ok?'. She said she was just messaging me to check up on me, but she announced her happy news first...almost like 'here's my awesome news, now about you?'. We don't even talk but once every 6 months or so.

Sorry if you're reading this-I appreciate the check up but with everything that is going on...it was just a bit of a shock.

I'm not really good at much. I don't have a hobby. I don't like mom's groups. I don't knit or craft. I'm not artistic. I'm a good cook...but I don't feel much like cooking lately. I want to start living to make each day count but I feel like every day is consumed with fertility treatments and other people's pregnancy announcements etc.

I know a 'friend' who is pregnant right now and she thinks I don't know. So not only is she lying to me but it's insulting my intelligence too. Which is annoying. Now, she has every right not to tell me...I'm not saying I should be at the top of the list by any means but yuck...get over yourself lol.

So I guess for right now I'll focus on work... making money, getting out of debt, and planning for a vacation...wish me luck on my scan for Friday!